Cheating From the Perspective of the "Other Woman"
93The Cheating Husband's "Other Woman"
One of the most interesting aspects of an illicit affair is the perspective of the "other woman." Most of us have a hard time feeling pity for the woman who plays the role as the "other woman" in an affair. Many wives choose to blame her for the affair, rather than the unfaithful husband.
For example, in a recent interview Elizabeth Edwards spoke of the mistress of her husband, John Edwards, waiting in the wings to take what was hers. While it was obvious that Mrs. Edwards felt betrayed by her husband, she subtly attacked Ms. Hunter for being available. Of course, all of us as women want to put the blame on the other woman rather than the man we love, even if all trust has been broken and our hearts and lives have been betrayed.
What I have heard women say a few days after discovering that their husbands have been unfaithful reminds me much of siblings who fight among themselves, but will defend one another against everyone else.
We seldom hear the story from the point of view of the "other woman." Why did she become involved with a married man? What did she expect? What were the benefits of being his play partner?
What Most Attracted the Other Woman?
What attracts the other woman to a married man is as varied as the people who become involved in affairs. Some of the responses may surprise you.
- He's married --- no attachments.
- He has money.
- He has power.
- I love older men (even if they are married?)
- He flirted with me and he's hot.
- I did not intend to get involved. It was supposed to be a one time thing.
- I wanted to have sex with him.
- For the hell of it. I don't know his wife.
- It was love at first sight. (or so she thought)
There are other reasons or excuses, including "I didn't know he was married." But, even when the unknowing discovered that her new flame was married, most continued the affair.
What Was the Bait?
According to most of the "other women" I have interviewed, the men treated them "special." One insisted that the married man treated her better than the average single man she would have dated. According to these women, a married man is more likely to treat them "like a princess".
In retrospect, many of the women stated that the man would take her to better restaurants, buy her gifts --- often very expensive if the men were older or financially sound --- and almost always try to fulfill her wishes, regardless of what she asked. During the courting stage, according to these "other women" life could not have been better.
Most married men, by the time they decide to engage in a relationship outside the marriage, have become familiar with their wives at their best and at their worst. They have seen their wives with and without makeup. They have seen the bad and the good. Yet, with the "other women" the man has only seen the good. He has not been around her long enough to see the down side. And, there is always a down side.
The men have a tendency to consider the "other woman" as his fantasy woman. One of the women reported that her "keeper" (her word) had insisted on breast enhancements and collagen for her lips. He demanded that she wear 5" heels with her jeans as well as her dresses. And, she had to have her hair (drapes and carpet) dyed auburn.
When they were going out, he would select what she would wear and occasionally suggest that she apply more makeup. If she protested about too much makeup he would remind her that her job was to concentrate on making him happy. Of course, she had no distractions, such as kids or cooking dinner, when she was with the man. Her total effort was to keep him attracted to her and to make him happy.
Of course, over time the glamour fades. To quote Shakespeare, "Familiarity breeds contempt."
The Kiss is the Pitfall
Most prostitutes will tell you that they never kiss their "marks" or "johns" on the lips. The kiss is the most intimate of emotional experiences.
Prostitutes will engage in almost any sexual act with a man without any feeling of attachment. However, a kiss is too personal and can lead to emotional attraction as well as physical attraction.
Unlike a prostitute who can keep the man at a distance by refusing to kiss him, the "other woman" is all to ready to share kisses. This is the pitfall to the emotional detachment that most expect from a one night stand.
While most wives will ask their husbands, once the affair is discovered, about the sexual acts the husband and other woman shared, few will ask about kisses. Yet, the shared kiss is the driving force behind the emotional attachment the husband has formed with his new lover.
What Makes the "Other Woman" Tick?
Of note, many of the women I interviewed had either been sexually abused as children or had low self-esteem for one reason or another. It must be noted that many girls who are sexually abused early in life become extremely promiscuous during their teenage years and as they mature. There is little value put on relationships with men and these women often show little respect for established family units. Sex is a tool of manipulation for these women to gain what they want or to fill a need that cannot be filled.
Men on the prowl are prime targets for these women as the women do not go into the affair asking for or expecting (in many cases) an ongoing relationship.
The Life of the Mistress
I have been lucky enough to interview three women who were actually mistresses or kept women for at least five years, some longer. And, I have had the opportunity to talk openly with and question women who were involved with married men for short, yet destructive affairs. Of the three who were involved in "kept" relationships with married men, the men were all rather wealthy and older.
Each of these women told stories that were very similar. The affair started as a dinner with an older man. Other dinners followed. The older man often took the younger woman to museums or to other places as a way of introducing her to culture. In this role, the man was a father figure and a teacher.
The man would purchase expensive gifts, eventually offering to "keep" the woman, renting an apartment or in one case buying a house for the woman.
The excitement of the forbidden fruit lasted between three and six months following setting up house. Sooner or later, the women were seen at less than their best. The men began to be too comfortable with the women, showing signs of taking them for granted.
One woman stated that she realized six months into the relationship that she had sold herself into slavery. She was "on call" twenty-four hours a day. According to this particular woman, all her friendships and other relationships suffered once she became a kept woman. On more than one occasion when she would have a night planned with friends, "he would show up and what could I do? He paid the bills."
Holidays, particularly Christmases and birthdays, became almost unbearable according to two of the women. One would spend days and weeks decorating for Christmas, only to spend it alone.
The other said she would dress for dinner on her birthday, expecting and having been promised a big night out, only to spend the evening alone looking at the clock on the wall. "If he arrived at all, it would be close to midnight. I would want dinner. He would want sex. Since he was paying the bills, it was sex."
After seeing and interviewing these women for almost a year each, I can only say that the early benefits --- the gifts, the flirtations, the trips and even the apartment or house --- lost their appeal within a year. These women were lonely, depressed, possessed no self-esteem, and as one stated, "I have no savings. He dies and what happens to me?"
How Did It End for the "Other Woman"?
Of all the "other women" I interviewed, only one had married the man she lured away from his wife. The marriage lasted less than two years. She caught him cheating on her and kicked him out.
Some of the others were still "waiting for him to leave his wife." One was waiting for "his kids to graduate college." Of course, she had waited for them to graduate high school. I bet she is hoping they do not go to graduate school!
One "other woman" had been dumped by her lover after six years of being his mistress. He had forced her to move out of the house he had bought for her to live in. When I first met her she was a recovering alcoholic. She said she never drank before they met. He introduced her to wine. On nights when he would not show up, she would drink the entire bottle by herself. Eventually she began drinking with breakfast. It became a problem the man could not handle in addition to lying to his wife and paying two mortgages. He ended the relationship and gave her enough money to return to her home town.
Not one story had a happy ending. Some were not quite willing to throw in the towel and give up. And, a few stories had not only unhappy endings but tragic endings. The saddest part of all the stories is that all the women were intellectually smart and emotionally scarred.
When asked, "What would you tell someone thinking about going out with a married man?" each of the women I interviewed would tell any other woman to not take the first step, to never go out with a married man.
One suggested that "we all want to do what we want to do. We just do not realize the consequences for ourselves, the men, and the worst part is for their kids. If I were his wife, I would have killed me."
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Svengali! Thank you for a perceptive article. You are a concise writer with a nice flow to your words. I appreciate your work here.
This is one of those articles that I look forward to reading in magazines written especially for women, such as Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, etc. I found this so fascinating. This is a must read for all women, no matter their status, because in most cases this could and have happened to some of us. Very, very good hub. To be bookmarked!
Thank you for such kind comments. I have to be honest, I am going through notes from the clinical days. I guess as I look back over some notes I made for myself I am reminded of why I decided there had to be another way to earn a living. I often had to bite my tongue when talking to some of the cheaters... and occasionally I wanted to smack the stupid off those who were being cheated on. Of course, I couldn't. So, I decided to find a happier means of using my education.
Again, thank you for the kind remarks.
I'm sorry, but if you're going to offer the story from the other woman's perspective could you at least not be an ass about it? Or was the point of the article to be subjective instead of objective? Because you were terribly condescending to the other woman for someone who was trying to offer their side of the story. I thought the point of this article would be trying to show the other woman as human, and reminding dumbass wives that it's more than likely their husband's fault.
Kaitlyn,
I've been known to be an ass from time to time, so I do thank you for the observation. That said, it was not my intention to be condescending to "the other woman." After all, she has made no commitment to the wife. The husband did that, and as such is the one who broke the vow and the commitment.
Don't you think that "dumbass wives" know their husbands are at fault? But, if you are married or if you have siblings you are well aware that you can knock them all you want, but even under the worst of circumstances you will defend them when they are attacked by another. Maybe those "dumbass wives" just hate to admit that they were betrayed by someone they trusted. I think they know the truth, don't you?
to Kaitlyn, the dumbass isn't the wife it's the OW..seems to me they to should take responsiblity for the pain they go through, after all they know he's married...there was no commiment to you. And the wife does know that he is cheating, but they put those blinders on, for the kids, for the family and all she put into the marriage. The saddest thing is that the OW has no empathy!
well...i've been the other woman to a married man before. but it wasn't anything like what you're describing (it seems you encountered more of the goldigging type). for me personally, it didn't have anything to do with financial stability or gifts or wining and dining. but simply the mental connection this man and i shared was more than what i was getting at home(of course he was having problems with his wife, just like i was having problems with my boyfriend). we both understood the risks we were taking- the pain it could cause if ever found out, our reputations at work (we were co-workers of course), etc. But just being able to be understood, being able to have a conversation, feeling wanted and appreciated all made the cheating possible. Granted, we never slept together (but sexual acts were done), but the want was there. Now after almost 2 years, he's getting separated from his wife, while i'm still with my boyfriend. I am slowly distancing myself from him because I want to give my relationship with my boyfriend a real chance. But like in the movie "I Think I Love My Wife," when two people admit that they are attracted to each other, the relationship has to play out...otherwise you're stuck with the "what if's" and you can become resentful. one just has to be prepared for the consequences.
i will say that i do agree with you for sure on one valid point. when you're dealing cheating with someone all you see of that person is the good. you don't get the ugly...and because of that fact alone, I want to try and work it out with my bf. he's truly seen me at my worst (just like i've seen him at his- he's no saint either) and I think that says a lot.
What you wrote is so clichè. Your article is so judgemental and you obviosly know nothing about the other woman perspective. You are entiteld to write whatever you want. Just try to be honest with yourself and state things for what they reaaly are, because what you wrote is only your perspective and nothing more.
I agree that while this article was well written, it does seem to be based mainly on the gold digger types of other women. I too am seeing a married man and he is a broke a$$, lol. There's no fancy gifts, or expensive lunches or dinner let alone a condo,apartment or house for me.
Our affair just started out as a sexual fling. I do not believe in traditional marriage and prefer open relationships. I know most men cheat given the right circumstances or opportunity and always did see wives more a less as half wits to actually believe just because them and their man spent a day together with family and loved ones an promised forever meant that he'd never look at or touch another woman, surely they were fooling themselves.
None the less- the fact still remains- that the man did make a promise and that promise is HIS to uphold. Not mine. He is the one to be held accountable as well as the wife for either believing and trusting him, or to allow him to get away with it if she has a problem with him sewing his oats elsewhere. Afterall, if he was fully in love and satisfied at home he'd have no reason to go looking elsewhere anyways.
I didn't expect to grow feelings for the mm I am dating now- and I didn't expect him to grow feelings for me either, still it happened. He is not in love with his wife and didn't even really want to marry her. He is a big softy and we might even call him spineless since the only reason (he claims) he went through with it was because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
He is a very sexually open man and I will admit that is the main focal point in our relationship. We are both wild, enjoy multiple partners, orgies and he is also bi sexual little does his wife know or is willing to accept.
He says he is in love with me now- we get along well, read each others minds so often it's actually a bit creepy at times, and I know all of his dirty little secrets and he knows mine as well (I am also an escort) I know we are both not on par with what society considers acceptable and for that maybe we do deserve each other.
That is this OW's real story. There's no money involved, but he has scrounged up enough for a promise ring and is taking steps to leave his wife.
The wives out there- I understand the anger you must have for women like me. I truly do. But honestly- a man is a man is a man and they are going to cheat on you. Don't be a fool to think other wise. Also- keep in mind that while few of the husbands do actually leave the wife for the other woman- the ones that do- you really should thank the OW for taking a man off of your hands that clearly never truly loved you in the first place. I understand their is more pain for those who have children involved, thankfully my mm has none of his own. But be honest with yourself- do you really think it's better for the husband to stay with you for the sake of the kids when he does not love or respect you? Do you really want to hold onto a marriage that is full of lies and deceit just to save face? Especially if his affairs are obvious.
Another note, Children are more perceptive than most adults give them credit for and they will sense when mommy is sad night after night after night. Do you really want to subject your children to that just for the sake of not losing your lying cheating husband?
I know there's a chance my affair will end is disappointment. In fact there is an overwhelmingly high chance it will fizzle out, or die before he ever leaves his wife.
There's also a chance he never will leave her and puss out in the end.
I'm aware of that, just as well as I am aware that nothing really lasts forever. But to me, life and relationships is not about forevers', it's about the bonds you build and enjoy along the way, the experiences we each have- good and bad and what we can learn about ourselves and our lives along the way.
I am not out to hurt anyone. I am a free spirit= though I am a slutty free spirit and I do love this man. But while him having sex with others does not bother me- Lying does and if I do catch him in a lie ( which I'm sure I eventually will) I will be leaving him.
I do not wait on him to call or stop by- and if he starts to show me disrespect I do tell him where he can go (back home to his wife) and he straightens his act out right away. I am not the typical mistress that lets the mm dictate her life and walk all over her. So I hope next time you write an article like this one dear author- you are sure to include various types of other women so that you are able to get a more well rounded scope into the various paths and experiences we each have.
It's not always about financial security and bills paid. Sometimes it's love and sometimes it's lust and sometimes it's a combination of two or more. Heck- there could be other driving factors for why a single or married woman might have an affair with a married man for all I know- Point is- include other types in your next article should you write one. :D
I really enjoyed this article. I am the wife of a cheating man who is currently going through a divorce. I have read every marriage and affair book out there and know that your research is in agreement with a lot of other research done by well-known psychologists. Very few relationships last that were begun by secrecy and cheating. I don't think this is what the OW wants to hear, but if he's lying to his wife to be with you he will do the same to you also. Betrayal is one of the most hurtful and traumatic things I have been through....maybe someday the OW's will understand this when it's done to them and see how they have contributed in destroying marriages. Just my thoughts. It takes two to tango and yes the cheating spouse AND the OW is both at fault. They are both very selfish and self-absorbed. It's always difficult to look into yourself and discover the truth. Unlike the cheating spouse and the OW, I can now walk away with integrity, dignity, self-respect and knowing I have put my all into the marriage and done everything I could. That means everything...
Thank you for writing this hub. I think it's making people really look inside themselves, and for some, they may not like what they see and the finger pointing begins. Everything is always someone else's fault right?
i just kind of skimmed through this after the first couple points, mainly for the reasons given by other readers, your unfair attitude towards "the other woman." how come nobody looks at the wife? i mean, i realize there are some men who won't be happy no matter how good he has it at home; but we also need to realize that a lot of wives withhold, get comfortable just like their husbands, don't take care like they used to. i think more often than not, things are broken before the other woman ever gets introduced into things. neither is right. neither is wrong. it's just broken.
I agree with most of you. This was written from the perspective of a gold-digging other woman. I certainly realize that not all relationships begin that way. Often, there is "chemisty" and I have seen relationships develop that probably would have worked out very well had there not been a wife.
However, the one point that is consistent is that most marriages to the other woman after a divorce end in divorce. Sooner or later the "other woman" turned "wife" begins to doubt the husband and in many cases begins to doubt herself. As much as we all hate to hear it, any relationship that is based on dishonesty to oneself or to one's partner starts on a shaky foundation. There are exceptions, but they are so few and far between that the odds are against a lasting and trusting relationship.
I do appreciate all the comments. You ladies and gents have made some valid points.
Jenna
This is an intresting hub on several levels.
As far as the gold diggers mentioned here, in the long run, there is really no benefit to any woman who is waiting around for her man to leave his wife. It's an easy lie to tell, easier to say then to do, and most men don't. Men who keep long term mistresses, keep them for a reason.
I don't think that most "other women" are in long-term cheating relationships. My husband has cheated on every woman he's ever been involved with. He even cheated on his ex-wife with me, and has since gone on to cheat on me. Love seems to have little if anything to do with it. I know he loves me, but when he cheats it's usually a one night stand or a quick fling with someone who makes him feel good about himself. She doesn't even need to be attractive, she just needs to meet his needs at the time.
It is always the man's fault. He is the one who knows he's married and he is the one who took the vows to be faithful. He is also the guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Not that the other woman doesn't have any responsibility, because she does, but she's not the one breaking any vows, and even if she makes herself available, it's up to the man to decide if he's going to cross that line or not.
Disturbia, I realize it is my opinion --- and just that --- however, the person who made the commitment is responsible for keeping his or her word. The other woman (or man), whether a gold digger or just a woman who caught his eye for a night, has no commitment to the relationship in which the man is involved. Good common sense and a personal sense of right and wrong would tell a woman that it is wrong to date a married man. But, it is hard to place the burden of responsibility on her. She has no commitment to the wife.
Of course, we all know that not only in personal relationships, but at work and in many other situations, we look for someone else to blame. Let's face it, whether the man cheats or not, his wife still loves him. It isn't as easy as "off" and "on." When her friends begin to tell her what a dog he is, the wife feels hurt and in a small way as if her friends are not only attacking her husband's behavior but questioning her judgment if she doesn't leave him or kick him out. We have all heard women who say "I would kick him out" or "I wouldn't stay with him if he did that to me." The truth is, none of us know exactly what we would do until it happens to us. We all know what we would like to do, but often our actions don't match what we want to do or know we should do.
Why blame the husband or the other woman? Why can't the wife take a good cold hard look at herself for a change? I have been with a married man. His ex wife was a good person, but did not take care of his needs as a man, plus she weighed about 300 lbs at about 5 feet tall and didn't even try to make herself look desirable. He is a healthy man. What did she expect? People make mistakes. We are still human and mammals. We become attracted to and fall in love when we do not expect it. Maybe if some spouses keep up their part of the bargain, the other spouse will not feel neglected and not fall in love with someone else. You cannot blame other people for your own misgivings.
Katerina 1982, Your comment is a cop-out. This isn't about blame. It is about responsibility and honoring a commitment. If the husband was not happy with his wife, he could have had the courage and the respect for himself and his wife to ask for a divorce.
There is no doubt that some of us "let ourselves go" after marriage. But, that is a poor excuse for cheating and a very childish one.
It seems to me that the respectful thing to do would be to divorce before betraying a partner. And, heaven forbid, if the other woman were to put on a few pounds or have a headache, would he dump her too?
Again, this is not about blame or finger pointing. It is about honesty and self-respect as well as respect for commitment. We have all heard those sad stories about "my wife doesn't treat me right AND you do." Oh, please! Next it will be my mistress didn't treat me any better than my wife did and she put on ten pounds, so I need a new toy.
Thank you for the comment. You are right about one thing for sure. People do make mistakes. In the case you mentioned, apparently more than one.
There are so many stories and I have one of my own. First I would like to thank you for creating this blog, I believe it hits home to many of in challenging relationships. To make a three year long story short. I did not start out as the other woman, but I ended up being one. Now, I belong to a society that I am not too happy to be a part of. It was not my intention at all to be the OW. I always thought of the OW as being stupid and wasting her life on a man who would always be unavailable to her. I knew very well that it was and is a no where situation.
I am unhappily married. Three years ago I was on the verge of leaving my husband. I had just finished radiation treatment for breast cancer and my father died just before I was diagnosed. I was deeply depressed but was slowly and surely coming out of it. I met a single guy who rocked my world. We got along fantastically. After 2 months he wanted me to leave my husband. I wanted to leave but I needed time as well as his patience and understanding. I needed him to wait for me a little longer. Two or three months later he started seeing another woman who he met on a social web site. I stupidly stayed around because I did not think I had any right to tell him what not to do since he was single. He continued to prod me to leave my husband but it got to the point where he would not leave her and even if I left my husband I did not think he would leave her. We or I fell deeper in love with each other. This nonsense carried on until he planned an entire marraige without me knowing. During our affair he became unavailable just as if he were married. He stopped talking about a future between us but would also tell me how much he loved me and how much he truly saw himself with me. I thought that our love could not be surpassed. I was confident in our love. I trusted and believed him. I was stupid because his actions did not follow his words. We have never stopped seeing each other. It is completely crazy. Before he got married and after he got married we still continued to see each other. Of course my self esteem hit an all time low as well as I have been depressed. I still cannot believe that he is carrying on this mascarade. You may be wondering about my marraige. My husband found out and I live with his distrust and resentment toward me. We have some good days but more bad days. I don't know if you can actually understand how I became a part of an adulturous world simply by not saying enough is enough or by not having more pride and respect for myself but love will make you do crazy things. I am mad at him because on several occassions I tried to leave and told him that if he were happy to stay with his girlfriend now wife and not tell me that he misses me or that he loves me. I guess it is all a part of the game and I fed into it. I did not want to be the OW, I wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life and I was willing to leave my husband for him. To my detriment I stayed with him too long. I feel like I have been used. If he truly wanted me he could of had me. I feel foolish and betrayed. There will be no good end to our story. Recently he told me that I was the love of his life. I have maintain a small apartment because I am a landlord and he has the keys. He also has some of his things in my garage. When he got married in August 2009, I was devastated. Now I see him less and less. I try to stay away. I just wrote him an e-mail and told him never to contact me again. I told him that I am cutting off all communication with him. I did not know any other way to do it. His wife has no idea who he is. Can you imagine that he has never been faithful to her since he has met her? Sometimes I am filled with revenge and want to tell her but I don't think this would make me feel any better. This is the story of the OW who was not in it for the money but soley for the love that she believed she had finally found. I welcome all comments and opinions. At this time I need support and encouragement that the best thing for me to do is to keep it moving and not look back.
Thanks for listening
Samone123, First of all, I am so sorry to hear of your cancer. That all by itself can put us beyond our normal logical way of thinking and behaving.
Your story is not at all unusual. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard something similar. And, I know that logic will not overrule emotional feelings.
Whenever we enter a new relationship, especially a romantic one, we become greedy with the other person's time. We do not necessarily mean to, but we want to spend more and more time with him. Maybe we become a little obsessive. Of course, the other person is probably experiencing the same feelings.
Imagine how devestated "he" was when you delayed leaving your husband. Like so many, you rationalized your way into staying with your spouse. The truth is probably that you weren't really that sure of the other man. Our intuition --- when we tune in and listen --- knows the difference between the high of a new romance and the security of the older relationship. Most of us are not willing to take the plunge. In other words, we may not be as enticed by the pound cake as we are by the Red Velvet cake, but we know the pound cake will always be there. Like many of us, you wanted to have your pound cake and indulge om the exciting Red Velvet, too.
From the other man's perspective, can you imagine how he must have felt when you kept putting him off day after day? Now, you are jealous of his relationship with his new wife.
Your situation is very complicated on many levels. You and the other man have drawn two innocent people into your affair, knowing that if you continue they will be hurt sooner or later --- and both of you will probably be hurt, too.
Samone123 you laid out your story very well. And, you know what you should do. Telling the other man that you are not going to continue communicating with him, etc. is baiting him to make a move, nothing more. You are playing a game with him and with yourself.
It is like quitting smoking. You know you should and some days it is easier than others, but every now and then you want to sneak a cigarette. It is human nature.
Here's the thing. Are you enjoying the melodrama and the rush that comes from the other man? Sometimes we get so caught up in the anxiety and the excitement of living on the sly that it becomes the reward, not the other person.
Stop talking about wanting to end the relationship. Take action. Fill your life and your time with an activity that is fulfilling and meaningful. There are plenty of exciting activities we can all do that will give us the rush we are seeking. One of my clients took up skydiving, not that I would suggest that for everyone or anyone. She loves the feeling it replicates and the rush of excitement.
In other words, replace the other man and the other relationship with something positive that will give you the same excitement and the same pounding heartbeat.
Chances are that when you are with the other man, you are not concentrating on him but on his wife and the same applies to him. It is still amazing to me how many people tell me that they "love" the other man or other woman, but when they describe their time together it seems they always talk about the fights about the other spouses. The relationship is no longer about "love" but about winning the other man/woman away from his/her spouse and lots and lots of hurt feelings that come from losing the battles.
You are right about one thing. Get on with your life. It will not be easy and I won't say it will be. You have created a habit and a pattern that will be hard to break. Work on replacing that activity with another --- hopefully one that will be beneficial to you and others.
Take care, Samone. You will make it when you make up your mind. Stop feeding the bad habit. Too much cake is bad for anyone.
I dont believe that the OW has any respect for any marraige or anyones feelings. The OW is just thinking of her own satisfaction. Funny that the OW, can never face the x-wife when they pass the road. Wonder what the OW will do when this happens to her.
I really appreciate this hub. To see different perspectives, to stand in anothers shoes is so important. Right wrong it is still good to hear and understand all. Thanks
I really find this discussion helpful. I'm married but my husband and I separated for three years now.I have two wonderful kids. Last year I met a guy and fell in love with him, he is married. First few months were wonderful and I felt loved and wanted. He told me stories like how his wife treats him badly like any philandering husbands do.I listened. He had plans of getting a job away from his country so we can be together but now a days things changed. Tho' he's not telling but I can tell things with him and his wife are getting better. Whenever he is at home and the wife is around he can't be reached slowly he is becoming less available not like before. He claims that he loves me and frequently asks if I love him just the same. Sometimes I give answers just for the sake of answering. Till recently, I've read his emails to his wife, how he is making ways to win her back, bought her a new house and what ticked me off badly was I new she bought her a skirt but when I almost found out about it, he made up a story that it was for me. Not that I am jealous he is buying him gift for I know that I don't have the right. But OW like me are humans and it hurts. Last weekend we had a bad fight, was so hurt that I started crying but when he came over to comfort me, he called me by his wife's name. I was taken aback and badly insulted. He said it's another slipped of his tongue which he did twice already. The first time was infront of me he referred to his wife as ' my lady '. I just kept quite. It made me quite. I asked him not to call me again. However, he started crying, telling me again that he loves me.. blah.. blah.. that only thing is that presently he is under constraint.
I know, at the back of my mind he is in love with his wife and I'm just a filler whenever he is in my country and away from her. I told him that at the end of the day what matters is who you go home to. And I know he won't give his family and wife up for me. I wanted to stop but he keeps coming and it makes it more difficult for me.
I think it's really a terrible thing to cheat on someone and it is even worse to be with a married man and know that he's married,in the bible that is a sin. Being with a married man and knowing that he is married does'nt say much about the woman and lets him and everybody else know that you don't respect yourself or others,thats why it's not a large number of married men who leaves their wives for the other woman, do you think a man wants to have a family or a real relationship with someone he know he cant trust. And to say that it is the wives fault for not pleasing her husband is an understatement and also makes you sound ignorant and absent minded. For the women who takes pride in making sure her man has everything her man wants and needs both in and out of bed and still get cheated on lets other real women know what type of man he really is. Im engaged to be married and has been with this one man for seven yrs and has never cheated and never missed a step when it comes to taking care of my man, my home, and my children,but i just recently found out that he is'nt marrige worthy and cheating and lying is something he cant help,so it's over with us,but that does'nt mean that i was'nt doing him right or that we had a rocky relationship it just means he is a typical man. And no one should ever blame the other woman unless it's a fact she knew he was married and didnt care then it's both his and her fault not just his, because a man will sleep with any woman if she's willing.
axia,
Too many men, especially some who travel, will say they are "separated" and will then play the "poor me" game with a woman.
This is nothing new. I have interviewed too many of these "separated" men who are really trying to convince themselves that they are not lying. If the wife isn't in the same city, the same state, the same country, in his mind technically he is "separated" if not by emotional commitment, by miles. I guess when a man says he is "separated" we should ask for a clarification.
Many of us have been in a similar situation. We believe in the "separation" and are taken in by the poor me role. Here is something to consider. If the man is a whiner and a victim --- isn't that in essence what the "poor me" is all about? --- is he really the type of man most confident women are looking for?
Maybe it's some sort of the motherly instinct to try to take care of everyone and everything. Maybe it is our need to try to fix everyone and everything. Or, maybe it is our own lack of self-esteem, causing us to think that the only man we can grab is one that is down and out --- emotionally, if not otherwise.
You said you know in the back of your mind that he loves his wife. BAIL OUT NOW! Of course, he loves his wife. After all, he is "separated" NOT divorced, and we don't even know his definition of "separated."
Forget the man and his situation for a minute. Think of yourself. Don't you really deserve a man who doesn't have to hide you from the world? Don't you really deserve a man who puts you first? And, chances are if he is whining about how his wife treats him, you are working at making him feel better, trying to kiss away his tears.
He needs to get a dog. You need to find a man who can treat you like a lady, not a booty call.
Best of luck to you. You know what you need to do. Face it now and take action. You are wasting your time and time is all we really have in this life. There is a man out there who can show you respect and not ask for pity in return. Lose the phone number and change yours. Get on with your life --- not his.
Good luck,
Jenna
Thanks Jenna.
Yes, I have been in the process of forgetting him. The mind is willing but the heart gets in the way most of the time. Everyday is a struggle and every time I have reached to a level where I have finally come close to not minding him at all, comes his phone calls or emails. It's like I'm in a loop.He comes to my aid esp whenever I am in need financially and emotionally. That alone made it hard to forget him.
axi,
I don't want to sound too harsh, but have the courage to face the truth. That's the best place to start. You are right! You are in a loop --- of emotional self-destruction. And, like most of us, you are attempting to make excuses for keeping this man in your life.
You can block his emails. You know when the call is from him --- almost every phone has caller ID now. Don't answer his calls.
But, more importantly than blaming him for making contact, take control of your life. Stop reacting and start acting. Your emotional needs would greatly diminish without him, so every time you let him back in you are only feeding one of the problems you mentioned.
As far as the financial support --- that really is a downside to the entire "relationship". Create a life for yourself. You will feel much better about yourself and your life if you did not depend on him to bail you out. You don't need him financially. You can make changes in your life that will give you control. As long as you depend on him --- and that is your choice --- you will never have control of your life. You are handing it over to him. Think about it for a minute. The financial aid puts you in a position to need emotional aid.
You can do it! Change is hard. There is always that element of fear and worry when we step out of our comfort zone. Unfortunately, it sounds as if your comfort zone is a never ending loop of misery. Much like abusive relationships, it is easy to sink to the level where abuse is the norm. Breaking the cycle is hard to do --- and yes, sometimes we do take a step backwards --- but you can set yourself free when you decide to. It really is up to you.
Remember this: Excuses only satisfy those who make them. Stop making excuses for keeping this man in your life. He isn't worth it and you can take control of your life. Who knows? You may be missing out on a really fulfilling relationship while you are hanging on to this negative. If you continue doing what you are doing today, where will this relationship be in 5 years or 10 years? If you can deal with years of emotional and financial turmoil, you are in the right place. Otherwise, take control. Do something to create your life instead of handing it over to someone who is never going to commit to you.
Best of luck!
Jenna
very intresting hub i think peoople need to stop blamming the other women its the cheating husband they should be upset with
Jasper420,
You have a point. The cheating husband is the one who made the commitment to his wife. But, if a woman knows a man is married and decides to get involved, if she doesn't care about his wife, she should care about herself. In most cases, the cheating husband is not going to leave wife and if he does --- well, he cannot be trusted, and to be honest he will know that his new partner has no qualms about going out with a married man. This is definitely a lose-lose situation.
This is very good, very helpful to many women who are being fooled by their men. You really shared a very wonderful article. Superb work of art!!! This is a very interesting topic!!! lots of learning and good insights!!!! Thankx for the insights
I love seeing the other woman get hurt in the end. If you are going to be a homewrecker, you deserve to be mistreated as far as I am concerned. I will save my sympathy for the poor wife that had to suffer this.
lana,
I think as women and perhaps as wives, most of us must receive some satisfaction from seeing "the other woman" getting hurt. I have talked to many women who have said otherwise, but I am inclined to believe that deep down inside, whether we admit it or not, we must feel some satisfaction.
Interestingly, I noticed that you made no mention of the husband. While I agree that the other woman should have showed restraint when she knew the man was married, I must state emphatically that the husband is not an innocent bystander. He is the one who made the commitment to the wife, not the other woman.
Giving the husband a pass as a victim of "the other woman" opens the door for more cheating. After all, most men will tell you that it is easier to get forgiveness than to get permission.
I was the mistress.. And it had nothing to do with gold digging.. Was a boy I fell in Love with in high School. whom I never dated..We hadnt seen each other in 25 years.. We started chatting and then texting. I knew he was married.. I had a boyfriend. I kept pushing him away.. And he would keep coming back.. He was willing to cheat on his wife with me. But I wouldnt.. This chatting and texting went on for 10 months. and we never even saw each other. I started having feelings for him and told him to stay away..he kept coming back.. Said he had feelings for me. We exchanged several sexual texts.. Then he decided to actually call me. I didnt answer. I felt it wnt from fun to getting too serious.. I had wanted this man since I was 15 years old. So I was not a gold digging whore.. But, someone who had real feelings for someone from her past.. He was worth the Risk. To find out if he really was my soul mate. He chose to pursue me. As far as I am concerned he is the only one that has to answer to his wife..
I know a woman that has broken up 5 marriages and has targeted married men. She is a narcessist. She woudl be a great book for you or story. Everything she touches is messed up. tell her sad messed up story. the sad part is the other woman has kids and you did not even go into that part the wealth destruction and the family and the poisen legacy that comes with it. your story was weak at best.
After 40 years of verbal and emotional abuse by a attorney/narcissist, I finally had the courage to divorce him. I knew there had been OWs but did not hire a PI for legal proof. My divorce attorney knew my ex was living with an OW and, not only did she not tell me, she did not use that fact in my divorce. He married that OW and she took my place as my grandchildren's grandmother. He not only took my adult children and my grandchildren, he hid money we had earned together. After earning over $600,000-700,000 per year, he claimed he had no money. I now am on food stamps. He just bought a new Mercedes. My sons will not allow me to contact them. Do you really think the OW does not know this? How can/could she go along with all this. Yes, my ex is an incredible liar but she must know what he has done to me and yet she goes along with it. Yes, I blame her almost as much as him. No I did not cheat on him. No I did not abuse my sons. I was a very supportive wife throughout his career. I even helped pay his way through law school. Where is the conscience of the OW?
This article spurs a lot of controversy and I like that. I believe if you don't want to be with someone anymore you should be honest and get a divorce. I do not believe all men cheat and not all men who cheat are bad people. There is no blame when it comes to cheating, but I think a man needs to be responsible for his action first and foremost.
Good article. Thanks for sharing.
Yall are all idiots. My married man came clean yesterday to his wife because his mom found out and told his wife and now 24 hrs later I am crying in bed because he doesn't want to lose his family and is fighting for her. He has kids too. And his whole family hates me now but I don't care. 2 days ago he was telling me how depressed he was and how he couldn't wait to be with me but now he is a coward who cares only about himself. Get out now or never get involved. They are ALL liars and you'll never be happy.
Seriously!!??? Just once I would like an article about "the other woman" NOT to be about money, treated like a princess etc etc etc...but a look at relationships that may be a little different from that .... nut hey... i forgot,.. ive probably got self esteem issues!!!!
Wow! I could take a thread from almost every post and say "Yup that's me, that's us". I am in my mid 40's divorced twice( well actually not officially yet , 2 years separated to last husband) Spent these last 2yrs trying to get a good job and financially stable, mission accomplished as of July. :)
BUT, and here he comes. Last year while still in that process I got a message on facebook from an old lover. It had been over 15 years but seemed like a day. We started communicating and before you knew it we were in deep. I knew he was still in the same relationship he was in since/before we got together the first time(yes it was an affair then too). I was one of his many flings back then,but at 25 he was the world to me. Here I am now 15 years later thinking I have "finally got my act together, am done wasting my time in bad relationships" and what do I do, fall all over!
I was living in another state and was missing home terribly, he was still there , never left.
We started talking,chatting and getting very involved with each others lives. He was flattering and supportive. Well, 6 mos past and I vacillated and broke it off several times. Then the ultimate test, I got a job interview back home(where he was), I went , saw him, got the job and took this affair to the next level. Sneaking to motels, cheap quick sex in the car, talking, lying to friends, the whole ugly mess. He says he loves me and I'm convinced I love him, we believe it's "destinY' but there are all the reasons why things can't change now. The worse part and why I am reading tonight is that this has started hurting not just me but my children. My preteen daughter figured out I had a "guy" before I even moved back here. I wasn't secretive enough. When she confronted me recently and expressed her upset with me, she felt I was lying to her and not involving her with my life, I told her my business was my business until I felt she should be involved. Reality is I was just keeping it from her because it's a stinkin AFFAIR! Well now she's approached me again and is very upset! She says I lie to her and she can't trust me.It broke my heart and shook my conscious as a parent. What kind of example am I being! I have to stop this for all our sakes. I try and he just wont' let go, her perseveres relentlessly with such honest and raw emotion. I keep thinking my case is different. I guess I should wake up and smell the coffee put on my girl panties and do the hard work, cold turkey. I don't even trust myself to do it, let alone say I will, yet the image of my daughter crying and saying all those things, burns to my core. I have to end this....I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....I HAVE TO NOW!
frankly I think you women should leave married men alone ... what gives you the right to break up a marriage? If a married man makes advances to you, tell him no. If your making advances at a married man, your a sick person and dont deserve anyone! Some of you break up families and the hurt and pain left behind especially for the kids is unforgiveable and hopefully the same will happen to you one day and you can know what it feels like. Your nothing but SELFISH and only think of yourselves, thats why you do it, you dont care about anyone elses feelings!
My advice - protect your heart. What you think could be a simple conversation with a married man could turn into love and longing like you've never experienced. As soon as you develop feelings for this unavailable man, cut off the friendship, it takes nerves of steel, but do it. I wish I had protected my heart. I fell in love with a married man, ruined my own marriage ( instead of working to fix it, it was broken and I know it takes two, blah, blah, blah) anyway the pain of not being with the one you want ( or think you want) is awful and affects every part of your life, work, family, friendships.
I have enjoyed reading this article and the conversation and advice afterwards. I'm the woman whose husband cheated and I confronted her as she was married as well. I asked her to look at the distruction this would cause. The affair ended and I stayed for 15 more years and ended the marriage after learning of another affair. She was young and wanted children, their affair didn't last long. I realized that it wasn't about me or what I wasn't doing or how I looked. I kept myself attractive and in shape. I was working full time and raising our two chidren and he felt neglected and looked elsewhere for comfort. I have two wonderful adult children and have gained the self confidence and strength to be alone if I choose. I was single for a long time and having been the wife of someone who cheated I would NEVER allow myself to stoop that low and be the OW. Where is the honor and respect for each others womanhood and marriage? I am remarried to a wonderful man and very happy. The OW's advice was to walk away from a married man's advances and I agree.
I guess my story is a bit different. I met my married man over 7 years ago. We were co-workers, there was an initial attraction until I saw his wedding band. I looked away. Then our job placed us in an environment that had us spending more time than normal together. Lets call this place...Iraq. There were sparks, mainly flirting...a lot of curiosity on my part. I remember asking why me...but what I meant to ask was why me to cheat with. Trust...I do not carry myself as desparate, lonely, low self esteem.
Anyway, we ended what didnt really start as I distanced myself from the situation due to lack of interest in this type of relationship.
Fast forward years later or jobs brought us back together in the same environment. He initiated the contact again, this time, I am older (40) and some may say not wiser...but very bored. To be honest, I dont have the time to look for new relationships and I am bored...and there he is. Unlike many of these women, I dont want him as a future spouse. I am intrigued by him. He is very interesting and I enjoy studying him as a person. No tears, no lasting desires...
Not every OW is looking for a relationship...just saying. Now, I was not raised to be like this...just over time I have realized that life is too short to miss out on experiences. Have I had sex yet? No, just sexual acts..which I am fine if it stays that way. I dont want gifts from him as then it would be like...a relationship.
I think the other women on posting on this site are deluding themselves. First of all, the married man is at fault 100%. But the other woman is also at fault. Married men should be off limits, period. I dont care what the man says, or does, he is married. if they are going through a divorce, then wait till its final. If he is having marital issues then he needs to work those out. But as a woman if you get involved with a married man you deserve all the heartache you get!! You go into that with your eyes wide open. You know he has commitments. I was a wife, and yes on some level i knew what was going on, but did not want to believe it. When i found out i gave him the choice, leave and be with her. I would not keep his kids from him, and i would make it as easy as i could, after all, i was married at that point for over 20 years, and by keeping the kids away from him, or making it ugly i was not hurting anyone but the kids. If he was no longer in love with me, then why make him stay, but he choose to stay with me. The other woman could not accept that. and has chosen to try to make our lives miserable. But all she has done is strengthen my marriage, and made him see what kind of person she really is. So the man is at fault, and so is the other woman, the only person in that trinagle that is completly innocent, is the wife, she did not break her vows. He did, and he could not break his vows if there were not women out there to let them. So other women, respect yourself enough to know that 99% of the time, you are just a thing, a fling and it will end, and not well. they will either go back to their wives and fix what was broken or they will leave their wives, but not for you. My husband told the other woman it was over, and that even if the marriage was over he would not leave me for her.
I am a mistress. My married boyfriend (MB) is very good to me. What I love about this arrangement is the freedom I get , there's no real commitment . I get only the best side of him. I don't have to wash his clothes, feed him, hear him complain and etc.... I don't nag him or act needy in anyway. I offer him the life he use to have with his wife. To be honest, it doesn't bother me one bit that he's married. In recent studies, more and more women have decided to be the other woman. After all most men cheat. I was cheated on 3 times during my last relationship with my kids father. I met my MB at my job, airline industry. He's a frequent flyer. It's been one year since we met. Our chemistry is amazing!!! Our sexual connection is even more amazing!!! I have no intentions of letting him go. I don't want him to leave his wife. I love it the way it is. When we makes plans and he is unable to get away from his wife, I don't flip out or get emotionally f up. I simply rap it up, and go to plan B. A true mistress is independent and always knows her married boyfriend can't always fullfill his promises. Always remember, he has a mistress not only for emotionally or sexually purposes , but to get away from his so familiar stressful lifestyle. I'm I doing something wrong by dating a married man? Of course I am. There is no right about this, however , it's a choice. I chose this lifestyle. I am content with it. I don't want a live in boyfriend , been there done it! Don't want it! My MB is the best thing that's happened to me. I've told him not to leave his wife or he will lose me . I know there will be alot if negative comments followed by this. However , before you judge, especially if you are the wife being cheated on, hearing a mistress side is a helpful tip to why your husband is cheating on you.
I think most posters on here would be shocked at how many Ow are formally betrayed spouses. So the OW already knows what it is like.
The reasons men cheat are just as varied as the women they cheat with.
and yes, some do come from perfectly healthy marriages. It isn't about the marriage, it is about the man.
But I have also seen men stray because their wives gain 200 lbs and don't have sex with them anymore, for years even. So basically the wife abandoned the marriage first. Funny how cheating seems to be the only sin in these situations.
When you are no longer talking and no longer having sex, then the marriage ends. it is then just a contract on paper.
One of the hardest things that betrayed spouses have to accept is their decline in the marriage.
Cheating is the symptom honies, not the problem. The problem was there long before the OW came along.
Watergirl, well said!!!!!!! Sooo true!!!!
I too am the other woman. I met my married man at a training program of our company. It was sexual from the very beginning. He was very overt. I was very lonely and responded. Though I am married & in my forties with one marriage behind me, I can safely say that it was the first time that I experienced how it should be between a man & a woman. Sex with this man, 6 years younger, was such that it connected me to him mind, body & soul. He felt the same too. It was as if we were only meant to be with each other and life like a cruel joke let us meet only when it was too late. What started as a casual crush turned into an emotional bonding & attachment deep enough to give us undescribable pain. Because he's committed to his overweight housewive & daughter & I to my husband and 2 kids.
I tried making a complete break several times but he would not let me, saying he needed me desperately. Since we are very long distance and theres not much opportunity for meeting often, he wanted to keep it as a platonic friendship. We also fought too often because of the frustation due to the physical separation. But he wants me to be in his life in forever. For me its too painful to have him in any other way than as a lover because I feel he's mine body & soul. I love him madly. He's my soul mate, my husband, and I won't except him in any other form. If I have to leave him as a lover, I have to make a clean break.
I have broken off with him as of now. I threatened to call his wife if he calls or texts one more time. If he really cares for his wife, he won't call again. Though in my heart, I pray that he comes back to me.....
The other woman knew just what she was getting into. She's just a whore and deserves whatever comes her way!
Hey! Please dont be too judgemental.These are also human relationships. And that too of love... not hate. Most of the times they are not stepped into intentionally or created. They happen.
And please pity the other woman.. Its usually she who loves the man who more often than not just uses her to add a spark to his pathetic life but does not have the guts to stand by his actions if the need arose.
Yes.. for her actions, she does get what she deserves doesn't she? She does get used. She does get dumped and she does get the much deserved hearbreak doesn't she? Whatever the personal situation in which she fell for the married man.
I am just ending my relationship with a married man. Although I never intended on anything happening when we first met, the chemistry attraction became too strong and he provided missing piece in my life. For the first time ever, I had someone help me financially and as a struggling lone parent with no family support it made a big difference to my life.
I am going to be strong and finish it, I am determined, have told him not to contact me as thats the only way to stop contact. A lot of what i read on the posts is we are going to break up the marriage, that is not always the case, i have children myself and i have not in any way wanted him to break up. I think the men are in fault, they are seifish, they want their egos rubbed by having 2 woman.
Any way, we have argued and he is hot and then cold, i started thinking he was cheating on me as i became ill and definitely was not all glammed up when he saw me. He would forget to ring me, be all over me one day and cold the next, we never went out as he said his business wasnt doing to well. I couldnt introduce him to my friends as i was too embarassed, i didnt want to be seen with him as he wasnt my man.
Every ones ecperiences are different but I would say dont do it, you cannot make plans, go on holidays, you get dropped whenever he has family ties. What is the point? I will never get involved with a married man. I started to resent him having 2 women and he had the audacity to tell me I wasnt allowed a partner when im single.
At first, he treated me to jobs round my home, take outs, meals out. Now, i get nothing as he says hes struggling. Think, they are cheating on their wives to be with you, when they tire of you or you get demanding, what makes you think they won't cheat on you.
Above all else, why let them use you? Don't let them. If they are serious about you they will do the right thing and divorce before any relationship with you.
A married man can never give you what you need, he is only half a man. Get some respect and build up your self esteem. It really hurts to have sex with a man and he leaves to go home to his wife. Do you want that?
I have decided I am taking time out and am going to socialise with friends. I certainly will never date a married man, I deserve more.
Finally, some men lie and say they are single when they are married, so it is not ALWAYS the other woman's fault!
My Name is Done.I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster once when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful.The woman i wanted to marry left me 2 weeks to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down.she was with me for 3 years and i really love her so much..she left me for another man with no reason..when i called her she never picked up my calls and she don’t want to see me around her…so,when i told the man what happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a spell that bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try…In 5 days,she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant believe she can ever come back to me again but now i am happy she’s back and we are married now with lovely kid and we live as a happy family..Am posting this to the forum incise anyone needs the man.His email address is ayelalashrine@gmail.com
Thanks to everyone who has posted on here. I an an "ex" dumbarse wife , who did fully trust her husband. This was until I received an annoymous letter ( later it became known it was from the OW herself acting to be a concerned friend) revealing the affair of six months. I am now at the point where I realise the OW did me a favor. If it wasn't her, my husband would have found someone else to cheat with, and I may never have found out. Still the OW has to live with the fact she is the type of person that will sleep with a married man. And that's not cool. And I have to say in this case she was a "dumbarse" too as he obviously fed her the line " my wife and i aren't happy, we aren't sleeping together etc " when in fact he was playing happy families and happy married man with me. Finally though, despite it all I don't believe all men are cheaters, not all wifes are dumbarses and not all OW are cold hearted - just human. But it's how you face up to the truth when it finally comes out that shows your true character. PEACE.
I am the "other woman" to 2 men currently. One of the men I have no sexual relationship with. He wants his wife to ask him for the divorce AND he says he wants to leave with his head held high. He thinks he is not cheating...I think he is. The second man I have great sex appeal with...it is a guy I wouldn't imagine I would be with in a million years, but things happen, and we happened. I started going to counseling, because I don't understand why I attract married men or why I am OK with it. I think I know the answer...at least the answer for me. I was in a terrible marriage with an addict...not only did he cheat on me with drugs/alcohol, but he then cheated on me with another woman. I was numb to the cheating as I knew inevitably our marriage was over. None the less...seeing the emails, texts, hurts NO matter what. I am a single mom of 2 young kids. I seem to have it together and I seem to me a strong and independent young woman. I think with married men I have no commitment and I don't have to introduce my kids to them and risk all the hurt again. I just don't understand how someone (me) that was so adamently against cheating can do it so naturally and without a care in the world...who am I? What have I begun. Recently, one of the wives found out (the one I am sexually involved with). I have now avoided all texts/calls from the married man as there is too much baggage now. Unlike some of the "other woman" I honestly want no relationship with either one of these men. I just want the emotional and sexual satisfaction that fits my lifestyle. It's wrong, I know it...but it works. Hopefully one day I will find a guy the right way and recognize what I deserve...especially for the sake of my children. Let's not forget although the other woman makes a critical choice...she really is only thinking about her needs (as is the attached man). Everyone needs to be happy but there is a right way about going about it....I wish I could follow my own advice :(
The ' Other Woman " is not always as many wives imagine. I have been the other woman for over 31 years. Yes, over 31 years.
But, not everything in life is black and white.
I was married once, and my husband cheated. I NEVER, and would never have blamed another woman for a man's behaviour. I think most wives would rather blame the other woman, because it is easier to do, than to have a real hard look at their marriage, on all levels.
Only as I have gotten older have I finally accepted that men are so different from women, in so many respects.
Women, after marriage, how many of us think that because we have that ring, we "OWN" this man!
There is the saying about men and women:
"When men marry, they think their wife will never change, and when women marry, they can't wait to start changing their man".
Men think their wife will always be young, pretty, and desirable. Women think thet will be able to change a man to be their's completely. Both men and women are wrong. Women lose their beauty, some faster than others. Men may change on the surface, at least for a while. But sooner or later, their old "self" reappears!
We try to control him, we nag him, we embarrass him. Our children become our main focus. We neglect to at least try to stay pretty and attractive . After all, let's not pretend ladies, men are visual creatures, whether we believe it or not, whether we want to believe it or not. It is a hard cold fact. That's how they were created. How " God" made them. It is difficult to cope with as the years roll by, as we women get older, and we struggle to stay attractive to men.
( I accidentaly ended my previous comment, before completely finishing. I will now continue. )
To continue, I was trying to say that we women have a hard time, after marriage, especially as men are so different. They " compartmentalize" many aspects of life, and it is not really their fault. How could it be? Statistically, most men do.
They see the whole world as their love, while women see their man and family as their whole life. Very, very few people are lucky to find that special "Soulmate" we are all looking for. Some married couples can stay together, even in a sexless marriage, because they value other aspects of their relationship more than sex. And that is fine for them.
Some men seek an emotional connection, when it is absent at home.
The sad truth is that when a man is no longer physically attracted to his wife, for whatever reason,and if there is no emotional connection, he can easily stray.
Women stay with their man, no matter if he has a pot belly, or is bald etc.. Mostly, anyway.
So, who is this " Other Woman "?
I started by saying that I have been the other woman for 31 years.
We had been together for 2 years, when she met him at a function, which I had not attended. This was on an Island. We were both in the middle of our respective divorces, and living abroad, on this Island, working in the same Company. We were from different Continents. We were soon to be married, when our divorces were finalised. She came into his life, with her fame and fortune. A multi millionare. Of course he "left" me. But, he knew I was very much in love with him.
His wife does not know about me. She was too wealthy and famous to know, or be interested if any other woman existed.
It is hard to believe we still stayed in a relationship all these years. We have now lived on different Continents all this time, but have met up very often, in different countries, all these years.
I found out soon after they met that something must have been missing in his new relationship.
He seemed to have found out soon after they met that she was not a " warm" person.. she was " cold" in bed.
She is a nice person, spends all her time doing Charity work, attending Galas etc.. I truly believes he loves her, but as a great friend or companion. I could tell, after all these years, when we are together, that he sometimes just wants to someone to hold close. Many times it is not about sex. So, I also came to the conclusion, our relationship is very much an emotional connection for him.
Why have I continued seeing him, all these years?
Because I love him. I don't know why. How do you explain it?
Many marriages end, and many times it has nothing to do with " another woman ".
I am tired of all the " Cliches" :
" find yourself your own man"
" you are worth more that that"
" you should think of the wife"
" have you no decency"
" you have no morals"
and all the rest of all the moral, judgemental tirades.
I do not know how much longer we will continue seeing each other.
However, I guess I am trying to say that LIFE HAPPENS!!
It just does. Human behaviour is hard to explain.
Just think about it... How difficult it is for us to control our own behaviour.. How much to eat, how much to exercise.. how to stop procastinating, when to finish this or that project .. etc etc.
So, why do we think we can control, or judge others.
in the end, we can't.
Stop blaming the other woman.
This article did not fairly describe the other woman's point of view. I was an "other woman" and no gold-digger. We loved each other, and if his wife had been more mentally stable he would have left her. He got to the point of moving out and getting his own apartment, but felt so guilty he left me and went back to her. Is he happy now? No, I made him a lot happier - but she needed him more than I did, so I'm glad he went back to her. But please, let's remember that marriage is a two-way street, and both sides must make compromises in order for it to work. Not every cheater is a scumbag; some are just desperately unhappy. Sometimes, the wife or husband bears some of the responsibility. My guy married too young, realized his mistake soon, but by then she was pregnant with their first child. He stuck with her till the kids were grown and out of the house. She knew he was unhappy but (aside from the mental instability that she could not help) did not try to compromise. She hated sex but never went for therapy about it. My lover had an unusually strong sex drive and was very sensual - and therefore very frustrated, and had been for decades. We also connected on a mental and emotional level that he did not with his wife. We did leisure activities together; they did not, because she did not want to. I know how supportive he was of her, but she did not give him equal support. Was he wrong to cheat? Should he have left before finding another woman to be with? Maybe. He was too scared of being alone to do so. Was I wrong to cheat with him? I don't think so. I know that she didn't even try to make compromises to make him a little happier, so I figure she gave up her right to him. Sometimes the cheated-upon husbands and wives need to look at themselves and ask, did I contribute to making this happen? Sometimes the answer is yes. I know another situation where the wife did that, and realized that she had contributed by becoming brain-dead once her children were born. She remade herself, for her own sake. Her husband now blesses her for being kind enough to take him back, and she's a lot happier with herself too.
I completely agree with you catskillwoman. There is ALWAYS a reason people cheat...when I was in my marriage I cheated for 3 years. My husband is now my ex-husband and to this day he has no idea. If I didn't cheat I would have been MISERABLE. On paper it looked so wrong to cheat, but my husband cheated on me with drugs and alcohol and rather than try to change the inevitable...after 6 months of flirtation I crossed over to the dark-side. The man I cheated with was also married. I never expected him to leave his wife for me and he never expected me to leave my husband for him. We had an understand and a respect for each other and it worked VERY well. I never felt guilt or shame...I saw it as a necessary evil. Eventually my husband cheated on me. Our marriage was ending by that time and I actually understood why he cheated...I did not give him what he needed in the marriage just as he hadn't given me what I needed. To this day he thinks we are divorced because he cheated on me...hahaha...if he only knew!
Honestly...I know it seems awful, but if the cheater and "other woman" are on the same page and have an understanding...no one will get hurt, because no one will find out. It is not the greatest way to live, but sometimes it is what works for the moment.
Like I said in my last post...I was the other woman for a man whose wife found out. I have had not had contact since then...at this time it would not have the benefits that I looked for. He got caught, people got hurt, and that isn't my problem.
People cheat for a reason and typically the person that is being cheated on has a lot to do with it...marriages don't work if BOTH people don't want to work on it...eventually someone will cross over to the dark-side sometimes though it is just a matter of who does it first.
Every "other woman" are just plain disgusting. You deserve every bad thing thrown at you. You sluts are nothing but low self esteem immature whores that don't respect anything.
I hope you guys understand that you're just getting used.
It's also disgusting that the guys cheat as well, of course.
Not all guys cheat on their wife/girlfriend because they are having problems, but simply because they are f***ing stupid.
Simple, and yet, one of the most difficult subjects. In the end, the other woman are just rebound girls that get used. Rot .
It is always sad to see how so many women are so vehemently hateful towards the " other woman ". I assume these are women who are so insecure with themselves, and afraid that their " man " is cheating, or has already cheated .. or will cheat ..that they will lash out hatefully at the " other woman ", as a way of dealing with their own fear and insecurity and lack of self-esteem. Where does it say , or written that the other woman is supposed to look out for you, or made promises to you? It is always sad if a family is broken up, or hurt in any way, because of a man's infildelity, especially if young children are in the picture. But, that does not mean that it is the other woman's fault. Look, you insecure women, if it is not another woman, it can be pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, etc etc. If a man wants to "cheat", he WILL!!! Whatever his reason is.
From the begining of time, this has been the case, in all cultures. Most women would probably die of shock if they really knew what their man really does, or wants to do.. All women hope that their man will be faithful, but, the idea of monogamy is man-made.. and very difficult for men to abide by... So, you women out there, who hate the "other woman" can only hope to find a man who can live by, and keep his vows to you!! Unlikely.. but.. keep hoping..
I am the wife and to be honest I have no intentions of ever meeting the other woman. He lives with her now and I hold both accountable. Whether she knew it or not when they met she knew it eventually and still chose to have him stay in her home. I don't wish her harm and I certainly would help her if she were on the side of the road but it ends at that. I am in a great deal of pain over this and one of the previous post is correct when they said that my husband and other woman are self centered, self oriented and selfish. They do not live in a glass bubble and other peoples feelings are involved. I loved my husband beyond measure and stood by him through more than I care to share and I look at her and think if this man can throw his marriage away like yesterdays garbage after his wife stood by his side through prison drugs and alcohol for 8 years then what will he do to her? There is nothing I can do for her and she will reap what she sows but so will he. I love him but at what point do you just let go and hold your head up and keep moving forward. I never let myself go, always strive to grow and be a better person and I really was a good wife (according to many around us so this isn't me patting myself on the back). All I know is we don't control others and though I am heart broken now I trust God to be my defense and to heal my broken heart and life!.
Women are always asking " Why do men cheat?". Or, Why did my man/husband/boyfriend .. cheat? After all we had together/ after all I did for him/ after all I put up with etc! My husband cheated with women from his office, women I knew and socialized with. I never let these women know I knew. I blamed only him, for putting me in that embarassing and humiliating position. For not loving and caring enough for me to have respect for me. He did what HE wanted to do. So, one day, I told him that I had had enough, and that I was leaving. And I left after 7 years of marriage. The fact that we did not have any children made it easier for me, than those women with kids, who have faced infidelity.
In the end, I have realised that this life is just a journey and we can only, at best, try to control our own behaviour. Nothing is forever, no matter how much we want to believe that any man " owes " us fidelity, till death do us part. That notion is just a fantasy which becomes a reality for very few people.
In the end, we just have to be realistic. Many many times, men show us exactly who they are. We just wish to believe otherwise, or think we can change them.
We have never been able to do that, and we never will.
This is the best article I have read in a long while, I am a women living with the pain of my husbands infidelity which i discovered one month ago, it hurts badly and I feel like walking away but don't have the resources to, can't stand looking at him, all I see is the betrayal, deceit and lies. I pray for the anger and hurt I feel to go away.
Let's remember ladies that while we are mad at the other woman and the other woman is mad at the wife, it is the man who decided to make a choice and go outside the marriage. Regardless, so many people get hurt in these situations including, often time, the children. This is one of the saddest realities. Most women who are married to a man who is cheating often times suspect this, know this and may even confront him to no avail. Respect yourselves women, set your boundaries and do what you need to do to have a fulfilling life. YOu may think you can't leave a relationship that you had with someone so deceitful, but YOU can and you don't have to have the resources (i.e..finances) in order to do it. Have faith in yourself and in a greater being because I have done this and I am proof that there are brighter days to come...
I chose to start a relationship with a married man - for many of the reasons listed - it was love at first sight, etc. Ultimately, he wanted to lean on me emotionally without ever giving anything. He always said he would never leave her - I never even asked him to. But as I finally became able to read the handwriting on the wall, I decided that ending it was best for both of us. I sent her the infamous anonymous letter. And it felt SO. DAMNED. GOOD.
My story is unusual. I've been faithful to my husband of 11 years. I was a little flirty toward flirty people in my early 20's, for a couple months. About that same time, I was raped by a guy w/ gf, and strung along once or twice (long story) til I had the guts to say no/stay away. I also gave a bj to a guy w/ gf once. And I fooled around w/ a married girlfriend (lesbian sex) once. Finally, my first encounter was fooling around (no sex) w/ a guy who was separated and they were both seeing others/lived apart (I knew for a fact). I've been hit on by married and taken men quite a few times and I turned them all down.
I judge noone and love all. I completely understand how affairs can happen and I believe it's part of being human. I don't appreciate people who intentionally hurt others, though. I also don't appreciate women who hate the OW and don't seem intelligent/strong enough to look at the bigger picture nor are they willing to see how men AND women are only human and can be prone to powerful hormones and other forces/desires/etc.
I quickly got over my brief past (I also dated quite a few single men before/during and after my brief learning experiences) and developed rock solid boundaries. I also saved myself for my husband for 2 years prior to marriage. I'm very committed to never cheating and never being involved with anyone taken, for multiple reasons. I'm very proud of who I've become and don't hate myself one iota for my past. It made me the stronger person I am today.
That said, I must explain I also have a problem with severe obsessive thinking. I tend to develop guilt complexes for no reason, all in the name of fearing rejection from others. I've never been one to have many female friends. I am shy, sweet, open, honest, smart, and logical. I have a different mindset than most women I know. I'm not a jealous/competitive/catty/judging/hateful type at all. I have 2 kids.
When we moved to a new state 7 years ago (AZ to OR), a catty neighbor rudely dug for dirt on me, i blushed and she spread false rumors. I tried to defend myself by explaining my small past but quickly learned that women are CRUEL. They are simply cruel. They will judge you and hate you over hearsay, over something small that's none of their business (something from 15 years ago). I don't know if Oregon women are worse than others, but I do know that Oregon is a very moral place (opposite of Arizona).
I find myself doubting my goodness because all the other moms here have turned against me and act like I should be stoned to death for my small, unintentional past 15 years ago.
I never said i was perfect. I never expect anyone to be. The unwritten rules women set are unattainable for everyone. I consider myself to be a damn good moral person. That's why I never was with a married man nor willingly had sex w/ a taken guy. But even if I had or was, I would NEVER consider myself less of a human being or eternally unforgiveable or worthy of eternal ostracization and cruelty. I really don't like women. Are there any human, kind women in Oregon? Or in the world for that matter?
Wouldn't it just be amazing if all the woman of the world actually stopped being the OW and wives just left unfaithful husbands? Men might take note!
I can hope woman will realize that they deserve more. Hey we just about having eradicated racism....I can only pray. The pain and devastation for all involved is horrendous and as humans we should not knowingly hurt another.
Happy Relationships are NOT about compromise although much of whats been mentioned is generally correct about the reasons for either men or women to cheat. Every body says compromise is what makes a relationship work and yet so many relationships fall apart anyhow and what do the angry individuals say when it falls apart? " I sacrificed everything for you " blah blah , the compromise idea is what leads to the breakdown in a relationship ,it's philosophically flawed and I'd go as far to say it's a feature of the relationship cycle . Compromise is not the word u are looking for ,I know many many people who get into relationships purely because of how hot the other person looks .after a long enough period of time one of the two ppl relises they either have nothing in common ( which is the start of where your compromise idea comes from ). Me and my gf have been "compromising " for years and its just led to misery .shes tried doing things ,going places with me that I'm interested in that she clearly isn't and those days out sucked because deep down I knew she wasn't into it and the same goes for when I tried pleasing her . The truth is,human beings are freaking control freaks end of story and it's because we can't respect each others freedom to seek our own private personal happiness that love always dies eventually .u can snap back at me if u want but I've lived selflessly for 12 years and the resentment and hatred I feel is killing my spirit ,the right thing I suppose would to be for me to leave but then I would probably loose my daughter who I wanted to raise in a stable happy family . U want to know why men lie ,cheat? And continue to lie and cheat ? Yes some are purely whim worshippers who don't even think but I tried to be the "ideal" boyfriend all through this relationship ,I still havnt cheated but I'm cracking up in frustration . I now have massive social anxiety because I can't be me . It's funny that when I entered my 1st relationship I actually rationalized (even in the early blissfull days) that the chances of this relationship lasting were incredibly slim but I would respect my partners need to find what makes her happy . Her jelousy crippled me and yet when she attempted to make me jelous by falsely claiming she had slept with someone I actually did not display any feelings of jelousy or hate and that made her more angry ,infact part of me was turned on even. I think it's all one big cruel joke to be honest , I mean come on ,did you know the number 1 fantasy for both men & women is a threesome ? That's right someone else outside the official partnership getting involved .the human race is an insecure ,oppressive bunch of hypocrites who never can see beyond the fucking moment .do your research on the origins of marriage and you'll discover it was a concept originated by oppressive men that gave us more rights than women ,including the right to have as many partners (or a limited number of partners ) while they were demonized for doing the same . When marriage became strictly limited to the persons with in the official partnership the trick back fired on men who can not express or describe what they feel in their ball & chain bondage because morality says if they desire anyone else they are guilty as charged . it's not primarilly about sex either , people change .... Peoples interests etc , and human beings' minds do not neccasarily develop together with the same interest . I've been attracted to girls outside the official partnership who I've shared mutual interests with (not primarilly sexual ) and I'm always made to feel guilty or anxiety later on because I'm suppose to petend I only have eyes for one individual . U know what our idea of love is about ? It's about giving another human being a monopoly ownership over your mind ,emotions etc and like wise you have the same monopoly privilege over them . It leads to misery trust me,but sadly most ppl simply break up and repeat the cycle again with out thinking too much about it . Ask yourself , if you could be immortal , if you could never die , would u be able to stay sane ,stuck with another soul for ever and ever ,that you must feel nothing for anyone else !? Bullshit . I believe families are workable that even marriage can be workable but not by the oppressive conventional means that are ridiculous . Love is about self interest ,not selflessness . "for better or worse till death do us part ?" that's the code of an abused woman (or man) in a relationship who Dosnt have the strength to say no more .
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healthfreaked 2 years ago
wow, fascinating! Scary what goes on out there and how susceptible we can be...